Written by Barry Subchimp
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Wednesday, 4 February 2004

Amnesty international chiefs have slammed a new US anti-personnel weapon, demanding it be recalled from use.

At an emotional press conference last night, Amnesty International spokesman Teddy Spade raised tensions with the US by condemning the creation of the anti-personel weapon, dubbed the 'Sack Ripper', as being 'inhumane'.

During his eight hour rant, Spade winced painfully and held his groin several times whenever he mentioned the 'Sack Ripper', or its effects.

Spade claimed that during wartime, civilian and military personnel alike: "Have the right to uninjured skin conkers", and demanded that the US should withdraw the line immediately.

In the past, controversy has been raised by weapons which are unable to discriminate between military and civilian targets, but US Army General, Eugene Bloodbath insisted that this weapon does discriminate:

"Statistically speaking, the Sack Ripper will only target approximately fifty percent of people in its path, so to say that it doesn't discriminate is untrue. It discriminates favourably to women - the fairer sex - as it only attacks the 'beadle's fist', or scrotum.

"While women may appear invulnerable, this is why we are on schedule to unveil our next weapon in April, the Clam kicker."

The Chinese ministry of defence has already responded by authorising the mass production of lead Y-fronts.

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