Deira Creek, Dubai - (Ass Mess): Shaikh Mohammed McTomb Raider, the Ruler of Dubai, has announced he has awarded himself a vast $10 billion charitable gift from sources not a million miles removed from the UN's Saddam Oil-for-Fraud program.
The donation will set up an educational foundation and a personal initiative aimed at creating what he called "a knowledge-based society", ie. spook-speak for a massive surveillance system to scan for dissent.
The wily old Shaikh explained that there was too much literacy in the region where more than 99% of Arab women can read and write.
"We need to get back to traditional numbers where only 1% of females will be literate once again.
"In order to keep tabs on the people I have decided to establish the Mohammed bin Rashid McTomb Raider Foundation to focus on human credulity/
"Thus I have decided to endow a fund of $10bn to finance my pet projects," he said.
"Too many poeple think I am a crook. My horsey image and bright blue racing colors have been a good foil for the last ten years.
"But now that the Corrupt Bastards Club is begining to disintergrate I have to take steps to cover my ass."
Frankie Dettori is 39.