CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington, D.C. - President George Bush just signed a new bill into effect that would outlaw coffee. "I want cocaine to be the only legal stimulent," said Bush. "We've gotta' stop all them other drugs like coffee and tea that have caffeine. They don't support my CIA and they don't get ya' jacked up good 'n' proper like cocaine does."
The bill stops all imports of the now illegal substance, coffee, and prohibits the sale of caffeine. The penalty set forth by the bill is for the perpetrator to be named an enemy combatant and shipped off to Guantanamo Bay for torture indefinitely without trial or recourse.
Jalepenoman, a TheSpoof.com writer and a Mormon, said, "Good for Bush. That'll show all them heathen caffeine users! God didn't like them anyway."
Jalepenoman is using his powers at TheSpoof.com to ensure that no writers for TheSpoof.com use the now illegal drug.