Prince Harry, the son of James Hewitt, will not be sent to fight in Iraq, says the head of the British Army in an announcement made last night from a bunker deep underneath London.
General Sir Richard Dannatt said the Prince's deployment would pose an "unacceptable" threat to him, and might result in him getting hurt.
"The Army is no place for a young lad", said Sir Dannatt, "better he stay at home and play with his toys. I've heard it said he's got a marvellous train set."
Former Army chief General Sir Ricketts Warmonger disagreed, saying:
"If someone joins the Army, they're saying 'I'm ready to die for my country'. If Harry isn't going to be allowed to fight, he should be discharged."
The Prince, himself, was looking forward to battle, and is alleged to have told one of his closest friends:
"I can't wait to get in amongst those towelheads!"
Harry's grandma, General Sir HRH the Queen, is thought to have been instrumental in the Army's decision to wrap her grandson up in cotton wool, and to excuse him from potential death-by-being-blown-to-bits, or bullets.
Royal busybody General Sir Jenny Bond told anyone who would listen:
"Me old mucker Liz told the Army she'd bought Harry a lovely new bike for Christmas, and that she wants him to be alive to ride it."