Leading Conservative backbenchers have announced they are withdrawing their support for the grammar school system. This comes as a huge shock considering the overwhelming middle class support for the system. In order to allay fears the following shifts in policy have been announced:
- Black people are actually rubbish
- But not quite as rubbish as brown people
- NO ONE IS SAFE FROM ANYONE
- Paedophiles to be put in charge of any remaining grammar schools
One Conservative MP noted that the last of their intended policy shifts actually made no sense. Unfortunately he was brown and his exclamations were drowned out by police sirens and a solitary, but very angry, mongoose. Eye-witness reports seem to largely omit any mention of the mongoose.
A leading Labour MP pointed out that "having paedophiles in charge of grammar schools would actually make them two levels lower on the 'R-Kelly Deviance Scale'. That can only be a good thing."
In other news, some stupid Tories attacked this journalist of bias.