CCN (Crazy Cal News) - The United States of America - Today, the Evil Empire issued orders that everyone must now wear Darth Vader masks or be declared illegal enemy combatants. President Bush made this decision because he's the decider.
President Bush said, "This is an important part of the War on Terror. If you're not wearing a Darth Vader mask, we know you're a terrerist. I'm honored to be here with the eternal general of the United States, mi amigo Alberto Gonzales, to bring you this news. Me, the leader guy, and the military wield the power to arrest an American citizen and incarcerate them in a military installation for the rest of his lifes on suspicion of being a terrorist, denying her... he and her, due process of law, trial by jury, and other rights guaranteed by the Bill of Rights. I put an end to that pesky Bill of Rights with my bill that killed haveus corpus cristi. My wife and I used to go down to Corpus Cristi alot on our way to Mexico to play with the señoritas."
"Won't the masks be a hazard to people when they're driving," asked CalJennings.
President Bush replied, "Either we'll succeed, or we won't succeed. And the definition of success as I described is sectarian violence down. Success is not no violence."