Written by Cal Jennings
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Wednesday, 16 May 2007

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Bush Declares War on Flowers

CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington, D.C. - Today, President Bush declared a War on Flowers. President Bush made this announcement after learning that poppy fields are on the front line in Afghanistan.

"Flowers can be dangerus," said the president. "They can be used to make drugs like opium and stuff. Flowers are also are used by those damn Flower Children from the 70s who don't support my agend... agen... my plans."

"This is kindergarten," said Vincent Balbo, the United States Drug Enforcement Administration chief in Kabul, whose office is overseeing the training. "It's Narcotics 101." Another D.E.A. agent added: "We are at a stage now of telling President Bush 'This is a handgun, this is a bullet, this is a Flower Child.' "

The president was asked what he would give his mother for Mothers' Day if he outlawed flowers.

"We have some really good cactus in Texus," said the president.

Former Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld and military leaders played down or dismissed growing signs that drug money was being funneled to the Taliban, and the C.I.A. and military turned a blind eye to drug-related activities by prominent warlords or political figures they had installed in power, Afghan and American officials say.

When President Bush was confronted on this issue, he replied, "Information is moving -- you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets. The question is, who ought to make that decision? The Congress or the commanders? And as you know, my position is clear -- I'm a commander guy. I wanted the Colombians to come here to give the Afghans something to aspire to. And so, what D.E.A. agent Balbo is saying, some early signs, still dangerous, but give me -- give my chance a plan to work."

"There may have been things one could have done earlier on, but at this stage, I think there are relatively limited good options," said James F. Dobbins.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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