Written by Danny Buckle
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Wednesday, 16 May 2007

image for Bad day for the Devil as Jerry Falwell gets sent down
The devil - dismayed

Extremist Jerry Falwell, the controversial homophobic arsehole and evangelical lunatic has died of a heart attack. "Good bloody riddance" said the Reverend Ian Paisley. "He will burn in ever lasting flame for his twisted views" he seethed. Osama Bin Laden described him as "an extremist!"

Falwell's early life was dogged by failure. "He was totally useless at everything" said his mother. "He was 14 before he could tie his own shoe laces. I hit him over the head with a piece of 4 x 2 every time he got it wrong but it did no good. He still got it wrong" Throughout his adult life Falwell wore slip-on shoes to avoid any further embarrassment.

Hell's Angels

However, he did discover a talent as a confidence trickster. His quick talking and shameless lack of morality meant that he was destined for greatness as an Evangelist.

He joined the Hells Angels but after a year he realised they weren't into bible studies so he left and tried to join Charlie's Angles instead. Eventually he became the pastor at the Church of St Gary the Bastard, Virginia. He often referred to himself as Dr Falwell although he never owned a spirit level never mind an 'O' level.

Lies

He was once overheard saying "the bigger the lie, the bigger the crowd" A tactic he put to good use spreading the word of the Lord and raking in the bucks.

In 1979, he'd outgrown his local church and decided to set up his own. With cash from the white slave trade he set up The Devine Ministry of Homophobia in the path of Righteousness and Glory to the Mighty Dollar Giver on High.

He even wrote his own hymns. His greatest hit "Burn the Jews" reached number 2 in the Bible Belt hit parade of 1984. He was furious when it was kept off the number one spot by Karma Chameleon.

Controversy

He thrived on controversy having once claimed the 9/11 disaster was "the work of evil homosexual terrorist" lead by their leader Tinky Winky. He lead a mass rally in protest where effigies of the famous teletubby were ceremoniously burned at the stake. When asked why he thought Tinky Winky was gay he said "Of course he's gay, purple is a gay colour. If Tinky Winky wasn't gay he'd be blue, everyone knows that"

So, I'd just like to say, 'Goodbye Jerry Falwell - you twisted megalomaniac'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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