FLAGSTAFF (AP Newsliar) -- The Moon was stolen last night by an evil space giant, officials at the Lowell Observatory confirmed today.
"It just came out of nowhere," says Dr. Ivan Itchianis, the observatory's chief astronomer, who was on duty at the time of the celestial theft. "We had pointed our primary telescope at the moon to perform a quick in-scene calibration, and next thing you know this evil space giant just reaches out and grabs it."
When asked how the observatory determined the space giant was evil, Dr. Itchianis responded: "Hello?!? He Stole. The. Fucking. Moon. That's just evil."
He added, "No more 'hitting your eye like a big pizza pie.' No more 'that's amore'. Not to mention the fact that tides worldwide are now seriously fucked. And oh by the way, expect the earth's axis of rotation to start randomly nutating around every which way from now on, since the moon isn't there to stabilize it anymore. Do you have any idea what this will do to global weather patterns? Not to mention the property values on my Malibu beach house."
Lowell Observatory personnel were able to track the evil space giant as far as Saturn, where it apparently turned the Moon over to a diminutive black alien in a Roman soldier's uniform, who promptly destroyed it with his atomic space modulator. Further geometric analysis by observatory scientists indicate the Moon was obstructing the being's view of Venus.