Pope Benedict XVI has canonised Brazil's first native-born saint, Friar Galvao, to the cheers of up to a million faithful and two million undecided but who like a good spectacle all the same, gathered in Sao Paulo.
The Pope announced the sainthood from a throne flanked by bishops and choirs, and overlooked by a giant wooden cross, an exact replica of the original one that is believed to have killed Jesus.
The pontiff, who has real magical powers, is able to transform people into saints, angels and small woodland creatures just by staring at them and saying the magic words "Izzy Wizzy, Let's Get Busy"
He is also reported to have turned Pepsi Lite into Coca Cola, a loaf of bread into a sandwich and once turned left, onto a small road leading to a farm.
The Pope has these powers handed down to him by God personally, who speaks with him in a special way that can only be heard by Popes, or by people Popes say can hear it, usually a few years after the person in question was killed in some nasty way by other people thinking they have in fact been communing with Beelzebub.
These days the only people allowed by law to hear God are Popes, who are born with special ears that filter out any of the madness inducing vibes that normal people have no protection against.
It is this lack or protection that makes normal people take a gun to work upon hearing the Lord's dulcet tones.
A reporter from TheSpoof.com was sent to cower before the big G's mighty sandaled foot and request an audience with the omnipotent one.
"Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with these humans" The Lord spaketh unto our humble reporter via Metatron, "I appear as a disembodied voice in some ones head to tell them to do nice things and look after their nearest and dearest, and what do they do? AK47 a whole room full postal workers and then end up redecorating a local burger bar with the contents of their own heads"
So, God invented Popes as a way to get his Godly word to the masses and without using up Metatrons voice box, "He is getting on a bit now" said the creator, "I think He deserves a rest, we just leave it up to these Pope chaps, they seem an OK bunch, even that German one"