Bob Woolmer, the Pakistan coach who was murdered during the cricket World Cup, has been 'unmurdered' according to reports coming out of the West Indies.
Police Constable Shabba Ranks, who was demoted following his inability to track down Woolmer's killer, told reporters that, after discussions with a leading Pakistani policeman, it had been decided that, for the good of world cricket, it would be best that Woolmer 'hadn't been murdered', and had died of natural causes.
Detective Mohammad Owzat of the Karachi Constabulary came to the Caribbean three days ago, and has discovered that, not only was Mr Woolmer not throttled, but that he probably died of "something unsinister" like 'flu.
Det. Owzat in a Press conference yesterday, said:
"To find Mr Woolmer 'murdered' would have terrible implications for the Pakistani game. It is best that he be pronounced 'dead', and let's have done with it."
He went on to say that the apparent strangulation marks around Woolmer's throat were probably the result of careless shaving, and that, in Pakistan, people often die of careless shaving.
A spokesman for Gillette, who were once cricket sponsors, said:
"What a load of bollocks."