Written by Toby Maller
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Topics: Iraq, War

Sunday, 6 May 2007

image for Bush wages war on water
...and American Presidents

Washington DC - President Bush has announced that the US and it's allies are at war with water.

Speaking at an emergency White House press conference, Mr Bush sent out a warning to the element, in which he said water's 'occupation' in the Middle East was 'illegal and provocative'. He told assembled journalists that: "Water is a danger not only to countries in the gulf region, but it's a danger to Americans".

'Idiot'

Citing USA Swimming's 'Make a Splash' campaign, he added: "Drowning is the leading killer of American children and our intelligence folks have linked all drownings to water". He went on: "We will seek out water, wherever it is and bring it to justice. Those folks who harbour water will also be held accountable."

There was a brief pause as a confused looking Mr Bush spoke with advisors, before returning to the microphone and announcing the immediate lock-down of all ports and harbours on the American coastline.

Sources say the President's initial concerns with H2O came when he asked what the 'blue stuff' was on intelligence satellite images during a military briefing on Iraq last week.

'Bloodthirsty republican retard'

The President was apparently alarmed at the amount of water in the region and immediately ordered the deployment of special forces to the Persian Gulf in a reconnaissance role.

His concerns were pricked further upon hearing about what he called the 'desperate plight' of Noah and his ark, during a bed time story session with his wife. Speaking at the same press conference, Mr Bush said: "The United States stands shoulder to shoulder with our friend Noah and will act swiftly to hunt down the water responsible for these floods."

He also announced a multi-billion dollar aid package for the mountains of Ararat region, where biblical literalists claim the Ark was last sighted.

'Redneck'

The President concluded the press conference with the announcement of a $25m reward for information leading to the capture of two suspected key players in the water network, Evian and Perrier. The CIA is reportedly following up credible intelligence leads that claim the pair are 'hidden deep in the French Alps'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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