You won't be taking off your shoes while you wait in line at the Osama Air! Gate. Loafers, Wing Tips, Sandals or High-Tops -- a sharp toenail clipper, a handgun or even a hole in your sock -- won't stand in your way of a connecting flight or meeting Allah on time anymore.
Osama Air! is a new airline -- discount yes, slim frills -- but like many of the new upstarts in the industry today, this is truly an in-flight service designed strictly for the passenger. No more annoying security screening slowing up your cross-world passages. Plenty of armed flight attendants, pilots, and passengers on board and unique color-coded hookahs for every section from Cut-rate to Cut-throat.
"We see a new market out there -- an ever-growing market of people who just want to get there as soon as possible," said John Smith Bin Ladden, an Osama Air! spokesman and co-founder of the new international flight service.
"Sure safety is important and comfort a sin," said Bin Ladden "but a lot of our passengers are revenge-ridden suicidal religious zealots who are having more and more difficulty traveling in today's world.
"We feel OA! will fill the void. For many of these people it will be their only trip to the U.S. and we want to make it a memorable one."
The Afghan cave-based airline is scheduled to fly daily direct routes between three Saudi Arabia cities and Chicago's famed O'Hare International airport (ORD) beginning on Wednesday. Advanced ticket sales are described by the company as "brisk, but guarded."
"Nine out of ten of our potential passengers have already been black-balled by numerous U.S. Federal agencies and forbidden to fly at all without their own wings," said Bin Ladden, "these folks have no passports, criminal records, limited identification and usually no baggage save a knife or an old family saber. Many are unemployed and distraught. How are you going to get around in a world like this? On a Bicycle?"
At O'Hare, another airline, is as they say, "just another airline delay," but the new OA! threatens to turn the tide on what has been an extremely bad period for the U.S. Air Industry and Chicago in particular. Less people are flying today according to a report filed last week by the U.S. Air Traffic Control System because it cost way too much and they fear for their lives and the high rental car rates at destination cities.
In Chicago, Miami and Las Vegas, car rental rates for example have been slashed in half over the last year following the bad performance of the industry, but the passengers just aren't coming yet. "The traveler still wants that Sebring convertible and that cost extra in any city," said Chip Kabala, a spokesman for Hertz Car Rentals. "A terrorist likes a tan just like the next guy, and what's a trip to the U.S. if you pass up "Hoover Damn," "Monkey World," "The Alligator Farm," or scenic Lake Michigan?"
OA! is working in conjunction with "Rent a Wreck," at all their Chicago locations and courting other potential medical laboratories and atomic bomb suppliers, and foreign restaurants as well to cater to their passengers when they arrive.
"This is not just about the cars," said Bin Ladden. "Even though most of our passengers have no drivers' permits or licenses, don't speak English, or can't even drive on the right side, we want them to be afforded all the amenities that a U.S. citizen enjoys including good lodging when they arrive and lawyers and bail-bondsmen when they require them.
"We are going to have to be more attentive to our people, and give them a bigger bang for their buck then they could expect from the domestic carriers. We think it will pay off."