Scientists have announced that after years of study, the earth's atmosphere has been found to be bad for our health. Experts at the University of Nebraska have advised the world's population to cease all respiratory function immediately.
They argue that the increasingly toxic level of pollutants in the air we breathe could be carcinogenic and have advised people not to perform lung function until further tests have been carried out.
"We just can't take any chances" commented a spokesman for the university. "The air we breathe is becoming more and more hazardous each day. We need to stop breathing now, in order to avoid long term health problems."
When quizzed that the "Long term health problems" would be unlikely to exceed 5 minutes or so, the spokesman declined to comment.