In a shock announcement, actor Richard Gere's agent has announced that the star of such romantic films as "Pretty Woman" is to receive coaching on etiquette from English former nanny and Bad Girl of Celebrity Big Brother Jade Goody.
The announcement follows Gere's sexual assault on Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty at a televised function in India. Gere initially laughed off the incident as tomfoolery, then, when Indian authorities issued a warrant for his arrest for obscene conduct, launched into a tirade of verbal abuse against the India courts, the Indian government and Indian people everywhere, adding "What's wrong with jumping the bones of some hot foreign broad?"
Now that the dust has settled, a more penitent Gere has admitted that he misjudged Indian culture, saying "I was obviously thinking of Sweden". He has agreed to receive tuition in manners from a proper English nanny and selected Jade Goody, because she has some experience of dealing with Miss Shetty. The actor, heavily disguised to avoid being caught by Indian police, said "It will be like Mary Poppins, except with Roseanne Barr instead of Julie Andrews."
Miss Goody was critical of Gere's on-stage behaviour, saying that she had never smooched Shilpa Shetty during their time together on Celebrity Big Brother. Speaking through an interpreter, she told our reporter "We had a love hate relationship, well, just hate hate".
Shilpa Shetty, who has now been traumatised by two celebrity idiots in different continents of the world, insisted that Gere's motive had not been sexual. "This was not sexual harassment. Richard is not a womaniser. He and I are good friends."
Meanwhile, judges in Mumbai's High Court are watching slowed-down footage of the incident for any sign of tongues.