Russia has announced a 24 hour day of drinking to commemorate former leader Boris Yeltsin who died this week. All Muscovites will be required to consume a bottle of vodka and stumble around the streets of the capital in a drunken stupor.
The Russian Government also announced that it would play a part in celebrating the life of its former President and promised to put up the price of bread and milk by 1000%. A spokesman said "This will be just like the old days."
However, the spokesman stopped short of calling on Russians to beat up Chechens. "While we appreciate that any proper celebration of the life of Mr Yeltsin would be incomplete without mindless violence against innocent Chechens, we have soldiers for that sort of thing."
Even Russian Mafia bosses, who have Yeltsin to thank for their success, said they would donate a percentage of profits from kidnappings, extortion and drug sales to the Smirnof vodka company, of which Mr Yeltsin was the Patron and principal customer.
Mr Yeltsin became famous when he single handedly stopped a coup by the Soviet army by standing in front of a tank. His biographer has admitted that this was no act of courage. "Boris had been drinking heavily that day and went out for a fag. He mistook the tank for a hot dog van and ordered some food. When the driver refused to serve him Boris became very angry and started waving his arms about. A western television crew mistook his loutish behaviour for bravery and he became instantly famous around the world."
Meanwhile, our political correspondent predicted a similar 24 hour day of drinking and street parties when British Prime Minister Tony Blair stands down later this year.