Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Boris Yeltsin

Monday, 23 April 2007

image for Bush leads tributes pouring in for Yeltsin
Tributes pour in around the world

Moscow - (Rioters): Tributes have began pouring in for former Russian President Boris Yeltsin who died earlier this morning after a lengthy career drinking for his country.

President Bush was the first to issue a statement from the White House saying that even he during his miss-spent hellraising youth could never match Yeltsin's personal best and that attempting to equal his alcohol consumption capacity "fried my brains from an early age."

In London BabyShambles singer Pete Doherty said that he had always looked upon Yeltsin "as a kind of godfather figure" whom he hoped to emulate in his personal love affair with Tequila slammers and Ouzo no-brainers.

"Where's George Best now that we need him on a sombre day like this?"

In Moscow Kremlin spokesman Alexander Smirnoff (sic) confirmed that to millions of ordinary Russian alkies Boris Yeltsin was a legend in his own lunchtime and would be sorely missed as a patriarchal drinking figure.

In London UK Prime Mobster Tony Blair said he had one gone two hours in a one-on-one drinking contest with the former Russian leader but had to withdraw after acknowledging the world's all-time grand master thought him a wimp.

Sir John Major, ex-UK PM between 1992 and 1997, has also recalled how he once too Boris Yeltsin for a morning stroll to his local near Chequers the Prime Monsterial country retreat in the leafy Buckinghamshire hillocks.

"By the time we got there the pub had shut and it took considerable pleading with the landlord to open.

"In the end the security service struck a deal with the publican who brought out a case of Smirnoff Black label and a few glasses which were left for us in the pub's beer garden.

"But within half an hour Boris had quaffed the lot and we had stuff him into the armor-plated limo to get him back to Chequers.

"The next day was Black Wednesday when we lost £50 billion on the world stock markets.

"I've always blamed Yeltsin for distracting me that terrible day."

ANd in breaking news Russian President Vlad 'The Impaler' Putain has just announced a five day period of mourning to allow the Russian alcohol industry to come to terms with the loss of its best ever customer.

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