Bollywood heartthrob Abhishek Bachchan and top actress Aishwarya Rai were married yesterday in a ceremony that brought most of Mumbai to a standstill.
The handsome bridegroom, bedecked in white and gold, as is customary for very important people in hot countries, and riding a white horse, was attended by 100 best men on foot, who were banging coconut shells together very loudly. As is customary in Hindu weddings, a bunch of eunuchs (that is men with no balls - a bit like the English football squad) were invited to give the happy couple their blessing. These toothless crones, who were once men, included several former Tory politicians.
Bachchan is the son of Amitabh Bhachchan, famous for films like Sholay, where he beat up a lot of villains, and Amar Akbar Anthony, where he also beat up a lot of villains. Amitabh is now a politician in India, so that means he's even richer than he was before, since all politicians in India get paid several million dollars per year in bribes.
As is also customary in Hindu weddings, the couple walk round a holy fire seven times to represent their intention to stay together for seven lifetimes before their souls are finally released to do what they want with other people. A cowherd, representing Lord Krishna, a revered deity in Hindu culture, is also present, complete with a cow. Former Celebrity Big Brother racist Jade Goody was invited to be the cow but was too busy being rude to people. Her mother Jackie offered to attend instead, but couldn't find her way to India because she couldn't pronounce the name of her destination to staff at Heathrow Airport.
Actress Aishwarya Rai was formerly not only Miss India but also Miss World. She is a lot more beautiful than Jade Goody's friend, the disgraced former Miss England and Celebrity Big Brother racist Danielle Lloyd, who admitted during the programme to hating house mate Indian actress Shilpa Shetty "because she's prettier than me and I had to shag someone to get on TV". One of the cameramen from the Celebrity Big Brother programme confirmed that "Danielle's a bit of a scrubber".
Indian weddings are in many ways similar to British weddings, as there is a lot of noise and commotion, people eat a lot and meet relatives they didn't know they had. Our reporter, using a fake press pass, managed to speak to the happy couple later, who said "What the **** are you doing in our bed? Get that microphone out of here."