Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 18 April 2007

image for Barnsley Man Attacked By Ladybirds
The tools Stan was mending the fence with

The unseasonal hot weather in April yesterday turned a pleasant afternoon working in the garden into a nightmare scenario that nearly cost him his life, for odd-job man Stan M. Bellish of Barnsley, South Yorkshire.

For Stan, 76, who was kindly mending the fence of his next-door neighbour Ethel Crank, 81, was the unfortunate victim of a vicious and sustained attack - by LADYBIRDS!

Although Ethel didn't see the insects, Stan claims they arrived suddenly and enveloped him in a sea of red, making him dizzy, and unable to see or breathe.

"There were billions of 'em! They were huge. I could feel the little teeth nippin' at mi!", he said, adding "I weren't drunk!"

Experts say that attacks by ladybirds, though uncommon, are not unknown.

In 1976, a swarm of ladybirds descended on the cross-Channel port of Dover, giving the impression of a throbbing red boil on the arse of England.

Prior to that, in 1973, tennis at Wimbledon was interrupted when ladybirds invaded the Centre Court during the Ladies/Birds Final between Chris Evert (a 'real' bird) and Billie Jean King (neither a lady nor a bird).

Spectators had to throw away their ice-creams when the dotty red pests became stuck to them.

Global warming and so-called climate change are thought to be behind the increased incidence of plagues of pests, and this trend will continue in the future.

Desmond Nowitall, of San Andreas Fault University in California, told TheSpoof.com:

"There will soon be so many bugs that they will be on the menu at McDonalds!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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