(Blacksburg, VA) -- United Nations Envoy for Children, Refugees, & Lip Gloss Angelina Jolie, never one to shy from the glare of the media spotlight, has adopted the entire student body of Virginia Tech. Madonna, pop star and celebrity adopter, expressed annoyance that Jolie had beat her to the punch. The ironically-named Madonna held her press conference at Stuckey's Bar & Pole Dance on Rural Route #4 in Virginia.
Cause celeb Bono has announced that he will come to this troubled campus to play for the community. Perplexed students wondered aloud whether Bono was the slide guitar in Uncle Bob's County Jambourie. Another suggested Bono was one of the Dixie Chicks which elicited jeers in this hotbed of patriotic zeal.
HRH Prince Harry and Newly-single-but-randy Wills were expected shortly at Ye Olde Virginia Inne. The Pope was expected to come visit The Olde Bavaria Fatherland Theme Park. Students were a bit confused why these visitors would descend on this shocked community - none are English, few are German - none are openly Catholic.
At press time the football team in the true spirit of volunteerism had signed up to assist Ms. Jolie in any way possible. Campus health care officials were seeking a restraining order on Madonna.