"She may have been a looker, but her name wasn't long enough."
That was the startling claim made yesterday by the Mail on Sunday newspaper in an article about Prince William's ex-girlfriend Kate Middleclass.
"The Prince liked girls with long names", it said, "like model Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe. He really fancies her."
The Mail went on to tell how Prince William liked his brother Harry's bird Chelsy Davy as well, but told Army friends in Bournemouth that, although he certainly wouldn't kick her out of bed, her name was "far too short".
One beauty that tickled William's fancy, was rich socialite Candice Staffordshire Bull Terrier-Undercrackers who, as a lesbian, would also have fulfilled many of the Prince's wildest fantasies.
Wilhelmina von Creuztfeldt-Jakobs-Diziez of Munterschloss in Germany, was a childhood playmate of the Royals, who visited Buckingham Palace for games of "mummies and daddies" in the 1980s.
"Ja, ve got on fery vell", she said. "He used to say my name ofer and ofer and ofer and ofer and ofer again."
Early rumours that Faye Turney, the ex-Royal Navy hostage who has just come into some money, was the new object of the Prince's affections, have been laid to rest by the Royal household.
Clarence House has now made a statement saying that William "loathes" smokers, particularly ones that smoke more than 100 per day.
Mr House said yesterday that:
"The Prince has Royally dumped Miss Middleclass, and is currently scouring nightclubs for a longer-named female companion with big knockers."
Any girl that feels like she would like the chance to become the next Mrs Prince, should send her name and mobile telephone number, together with a picture of herself in a wet T-shirt, to:
Royal Slag Competition,