The United World Council of Religions issued a stunning announcement late last night. There had been rumours for some time that something newsworthy was about to be released but not as momentous as this.
A spokesman for the Council, Cardinal Wellesley, read out a twenty page admission that the religious sects of the world had duped the world for thousands of years. It was a classic case of the old 'jocks' versus 'nerds' scenario, he explained.
It was explained that from very early in civilisation, the strong had been become leaders, then chiefs and kings. While this was happening the weaker but cleverer intelligentsia were subjugated and humiliated. Then came the breakthrough and one of them came up with the new concept of religion. It was a new approach at controlling the population and getting the 'nerds' to call the shots. Taking the proven fear of the dark and worry about the future, the idea of an all powerful 'god' arose. The beauty of the system was that only the approved acolytes ('nerds') could contact and be approved by this supernatural being. It gave us complete control of society, said the Cardinal. Even the kings had to accede to us, we were the man. The beauty of it was that it was unprovable and we got it better at it.
Why the admission has been released now is unclear. There have been many hints about rumblings in the ranks for years but it was always contained. It may be due to the massive loss of believers throughout the last fifty years and the rise of consumerism that the religious leaders have decided to throw it in and invest in shares.
The Associated Churches of America have decried the statement has 'very last year'. We have already moved on, they stated. Our system has incorporated the modern tenants of shopping, same sex involvement, television advertising and sharp operations. We are the new way and for $200 we will explain how we operate.