Astronomers have sighted a huge swarm of alien fruit bats heading for Earth. The bats, three miles long and weighing up to five tonnes, were first spotted only last night by boffins using telescopes made from high-energy plasma and sellotape at the Jodrell Bank observatory in Cheshire, England.
Professor Liberace McNeutron, a leading expert in the field of cosmology and pianos, explained: "The bats appeared from nowhere. We were observing a recently-formed nebula in the constellation of Embassy Regal, and noticed a strange cloud in the vicinity. At first we thought it might be some jam which had fallen onto the lens, but even after scrubbing the lens with a Brillo pad it was still there. On closer observation it turned out to be a swarm of alien fruit bats"
Even after being told that the collective noun for bats isn't 'swarm', Prof McNeutron was adamant: "These things represent the greatest threat to the planet since Bush was re-elected - perhaps greater, unless Bush has five-mile wide wings and revolting, bloodshot eyes" On consulting a copy of 'Democrat News', he added: "Seems like he has. Oh well. . ."
It is thought that the bats originate from the planet Qrtfyxon, christened after the astronomer who first sighted it and subsequently changed his name to Smith. The planet itself is reaching the end of its cosmological cycle, with several of its continents having already fallen off into space. Professor McNeutron: "This particular world is dying - you can see a series of dots and several hyphens emanating from the surface, which can mean only one thing - the surface is covered with machines which produce billions of dots and hyphens. The bats must have become fed up, and decided to seek another planet to live on. Why they chose ours remains a mystery - although the chicken salad at 'Stan's Eat-All-U-Like' must have been a factor"
People have been advised not to worry unduly, since at their present rate, the fruit-eating mammals will not reach Earth until the year 5009. By that time, leading scientists expect that an immense shield will have been built around the planet to protect it from UV rays, with perhaps an attractive sun canopy and floral curtains.