The country formerly known as Iraq has literally been "blown off the map" in a chain of explosions that has eradicated the nation's entire landmass, leaving nothing but a gaping hole that is rapidly filling up with seawater.
The devastation began at 0630 GMT on Thursday morning and continued until nearly 0800, according to reconnaissance films retrieved from satellites and US military planes that had the good fortune to be in the air during the event, which a Pentagon official has called "one of the most extraordinary and catastrophic series of coincidences in the history of mankind."
He went on to explain, "As far as we can figure out, what happened was that a whole throng of suicide bombers, at least 30 or 40 of them, probably unbeknownst to each other, all set off their charges in the same Baghdad marketplace at virtually the same time. The violence of the explosion then detonated the volatile materials stored in an estimated two to three hundred clandestine bomb labs in nearby apartments. The resulting shock waves spread throughout the city, setting off thousands of car bombs and suicide belts, and ultimately reached what appeared to be a system of underground tunnels leading into the city filled with stockpiled mortar rounds and grenades. The blasts then radiated out in every direction, eventually reaching US, British and Iraqi army ammunition dumps, and finally the oil fields in the north, which all erupted in a colossal ball of flame that engulfed the surrounding desert, in the middle of which was Saddam Hussein's former nuclear weapons development site, which the inspectors missed somehow, and that also went up, blowing what was left of the country to kingdom come."
In Washington DC a jubilant George W. Bush called a press conference and announced, "We win! Yippee! Mission accomplished and problem solved! No more insurgency! I told you my plan would work. Or something would. So now I can bring our troops home. What's left of them. In a shoebox."
The map of the Middle East has been altered forever, with a new sea forming where Iraq used to be. The Halliburton Corporation has already secured a number of multibillion dollar contracts to help the Syrian, Iranian, Saudi and Turkish desert villages that used to border Iraq build seaside resort infrastructures. It is hoped that they will be able to establish a thriving tourism industry around the new body of water that the International Geographic Society in Geneva is provisionally calling the Gulf of Credibility.