Former Vice President Al Gore delivered a speech on the theory of global warming yesterday, the coldest day in New York City in decades, calling President Bush a "moral coward" for adhering to policies that put the planet in catastrophic peril of overheating.
The speech, sponsored by the liberal advocacy group MoveOn.org, came on a day shattering a record low temperature that has stood for 47 years, and notching just a few degrees higher than the coldest day ever recorded there. In fact, it was so cold that he froze in mid-sentence.
This was not some sort of stage fright, mind you. He was literally frozen. (Note: the word "literally" used here is not meant for emphasis as some people us it, but is to be taken literally as literally meaning that it actually happened.)
Anyway, Gore stopped speaking and just stood there. After about 45 minutes people started to notice that he was stiffer than normal. After about another 30 or so minutes of watching him closely, they determined that the petrified figure had indeed frozen.
In a frantic attempt to thaw out their environmental guru, the MoveOn.org officials ran repeated loops of their nuclear explosion stock footage on the big screen behind him. The move didn't work. However, it did pull at the audiences emotional strings thus rallying the young attendees against the Bush administration.
All hope was lost and the audience had begun to hold a candlelight vigil. But then a small drop of water was observed trickling down the icy politician. Then another. Then another. There was soon hope for Gore in the balance.
It has now been discovered that it wasn't the external heat from the candles, but that Gore thawed himself from the inside out. It was his internal hot air that broke the frozen cell in which he had become prisoner.
A drenched Gore came to and finished his speech not knowing what all had happened. He claimed his wet clothes were due to armpit sweat and offered it as proof of global warming.
In a dramatic end to the days events, a carelessly tossed candle ignited a red velvet curtain and the whole building immediately went up in flames. Everyone made it out safely.
The smoldering survivors commented on how hot it had gotten in there, then all held hands and sang Kumbaya.
MoveOn.org organizers are now planning their next global warming conference slated for sometime in August at a yet-to-be-determined equatorial locale.