Sources close to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger say that he will confirm reports from a German newspaper saying that he is the love child of the late Joseph P. Kennedy, patriarch of America's first family of politics. They also say that Schwarzenegger's wife, newswoman Maria Shriver, has filed for an annulment of their 17-year marriage.
If the report is accurate, Schwarzenegger is actually a brother to his wife's mother, Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
"Oh my stars," Maria Shriver is said to have exclaimed when told of the discovery, "I'm my own Aunt!"
Born July 30, 1947 in Graz, Austria, it had been thought that Schwarzenegger was the son of a former German soldier and his wife, but the newspaper, Fetzen, claims that he is the product of a long-term relationship between Joseph Kennedy and a local barmaid named Hilda Hipswell. The two had supposedly met in 1938 when Kennedy, then U. S. Ambassador to Great Brittan, visited Germany prior to the outbreak of World War II.
The paper says that Hipswell mysteriously disappeared shortly after Schwarzenegger was born and that Kennedy made secret arrangements for the soldier and his wife to raise the child.
Reached at his Washington, DC office, Senator Edward Kennedy said he had conflicting emotions about the revelations.
"It was, ahh, bad enough to, ahh, have that, ahh, Republican swine marry my, ahh, sister's daughter," he began, "but to, ahh, have him as a brother is, ahh, just beyond all, ahh, comprehension."
Upon further reflection, Kennedy allowed that "he does show, ahh, a lot of Kennedy, ahh, characteristics. This also means that I am, ahh, not the, ahh, baby brother any more."
A woman who would only describe herself as "a friend of Maria's" said that Shriver had left the Schwarzenegger residence for a secret location and has taken to brushing her teeth three to four times each hour.
Governor Schwarzenegger has also gone into seclusion.
"He's like totally bummed and confused," said an anonymous source in the Governor's office. "Until a week ago he was the son of a Nazi officer who came to America, became a famous movie star and was elected Governor of California. Now he's like, a bootlegger's son who grew up and married his niece."