The Vatican announced today that it is instituting the first Catholic draft since the Children's Crusade several hundred years ago. The draft is in response to a recent Vatican symposium on pedophilia and the sexual abuse of minors by priests.
After examining the 220 page report ushered in after the symposium entitled "Sexual Abuse in the Catholic Church" the Vatican finds it necessary bring back the Children's draft. It was determined that the draft was needed when experts in the field of mental illness called the zero tolerance policy both barbaric and a disaster waiting to happen.
Failing to acknowledge that priests should be subject to criminal law for the rape, sodomization and molestation of children, it was unanimously decided that priests are better off in the priesthood for no other reason than the Vatican doesn't believe priests should be given a hard time or hard time for committing criminal acts. Jailed priests, it was perceived, would be a poor reflection on the church as well cause considerable angst for the incarcerated priests.
Cardinal Amplus Derriere, the red cheeked Vice President of Pontificating, made the announcement standing alongside the renowned German psychiatrist Heso Fulluvit. Derriere pronounced, "The draft is only a first step in the healing process and it is for the benefit of all those who have suffered from sexual abuse." He went on to say that for the good of our priests more steps would be taken, but did not elaborate.
Derriere said the church was faced with a conundrum. (Not to be confused with a condom) On one hand survivor of sexual abuse are calling for zero tolerance while on the other, the Vatican's hand picked experts are calling for patience and an opportunity to treat and cure the incurable. Therefore, the draft offers a solution that doesn't embarrass the church or pass the responsibility on to the larger society.(tax dollars used for jails) The church will be demanding that all Catholic families sign their children up for the draft in the army of Christ. The draft rules are as follows:
- All children upon being baptized will be signed up and eligible to be called for duty until they reach the legal age of consent.
- Each year in every parish a lottery will be held where the names of two eligible parish children will drawn, one boy and one girl.
- Each of these children will be housed in a rectory for a period of not more than one year when the next lottery will take place.
- Once having served their year, the child's commitment is over.
- Only one child per family can serve in any given year.
- First in line for the draft are children of parents who have told victims, "get over it and get a life!" for they are true Christians. Second are the children whose parents have expressed a willingness to forgive and forget. The last group is the children of parents who remained silent on the subject for silence is golden.
- Survivors of sexual abuse can claim conscientious objector status for their children and their children's children only.
If at any point a child living in a rectory is abused, the incident is to be immediately reported to the Blooming Idiot Brigade (BIB) founded by Fulluvit who will immediately hear the priest's confession in order to be granted the seal of confession so he won't have to disclose the facts to the civil authorities.
Next, in an effort to modify this sinful behavior, they will counsel the priest on the error of his ways and use all available tools to dissuade him from repeating the behavior. This will include corporal punishment including, but not to exceed slapping him on the wrist.
The molested child, having served its purpose, will be sent home and a special lottery will be held to replace him/her. "Only by replacing the molested child with a new one, will the BIB's be able to judge the effectiveness of their treatment and modify it as needed. The whole process will insure that the priest leads a normal healthy life in the service of God," said Fulluvit.
Dr. Fulluvit, who made his name by conducting a $100 million survey which examined the causes behind convicts wishing to escape from jails and a fifty million dollar survey on why East Berliners wished to escape to the West, has just completed another study of equal significance. Fulluvit's group of psychiatrists, psychologists and psychotherapists determined that a priest was less likely to either confess his sins or notify his superiors of his sexual proclivities if he thought for a moment he would be sent to jail and/or defrocked.
Fulluvit finished by saying he was pleased with the Vatican's decision to draft children. Cardinal Derriere shook his head in agreement saying that drafting children for service in the rectory allowed the entire church to share the burden of sexual abuse in addition to sharing the cost. Furthermore, it was a just and Christian solution as no child should suffer abuse more than once. He was also thrilled with the idea that the draft would provide for an open and honest relationship between errant priests, their superiors, their therapists, and parishioners.