Written by Fergus McCarthy
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Saturday, 7 April 2007

image for England Australia Ashes tests snuffed out by Keith Richards.
An unrepentant Keith Richards last night on BBC Television.

It has been one of sports and more importantly cricket's most fiercely contested matches, a test match that for two months every couple of years puts two countries, linked by the same historical umbilical cord on a virtual war footing.

But now after 125 years the ashes series, possibly the last sporting event left where victory and a nations pride cannot be gauged in pounds or dollars, in a sporting world dominated by transfer fees, marketing campaigns and television rights the Ashes are the ultimate trophy and tragically may be no more.

29th of August 1882 was the day when Australia recorded their first defeat on English soil prompting a young journalist, Reginald Shirley Brooks to write:

"In affectionate remembrance of English cricket which died at the Oval, 29th August 1882.

Now sadly the longest running test match in the world will cease to be played because of a world tour by the Rolling Stones.

Keith Richards may have issued a statement denying that he had snorted his dead fathers ashes mixed with cocaine but in an interview with the BBC this evening he appeared defiant and unrepentant about the reports of his inhalation of cricket's most famous ashtray.

"Yeah I did it" he laughed "It was just before I fell out of the tree last year, me Ronnie and Mick got the chance to hold the little pot and Jaggs, who's a massive cricket fan handed it really careful like to Ronnie, course me and Ronnie were off our tits and he threw it to me shouting 'Owzat' and it smashed on the floor.

Mick was going F*****g mad and the security guard was in tears but Ronnie dared me to snort it ,so I did.

Went down rather well.

We replaced it with one of the ones from the gift shop, bunged the security man 50 grand got the hell out of there as quick as. I suppose when I die they can cremate me and use those ashes........ Probably need a bigger urn though" Richards remarked thoughtfully.

Unless they just cremate me knob!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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