Written by Doug Powers
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Topics: Vatican, French

Tuesday, 13 January 2004

image for Scientist dates Shroud of Turin -- takes it to dinner and movie
Pierre Bonier arriving to date the Shroud

When French scientist Pierre Bonier requested permission from the Vatican to "date" the Shroud of Turin, church officials naturally assumed that Bonier wanted to research the age of the item they believe to be Christ's burial cloth. They were wrong.

"He wassa da weirdo", claimed Benito Linguini, spokesman for Italy's Turin Cathedral of San Giovanni Battista, where the Shroud is kept.

Speaking in a thick Italian accent that this reporter had trouble deciphering, Linguini was visibly upset as he described how, to his horror, the scientist showed up at the Cathedral, ready to date the Shroud...literally.

"He comesa to da door, carrying-a da flowers anda a boxa of da chocolates. Promises me dat he'lla hava da Shroud backa by eleven. Iffa not, he call."

The interview is delayed as Linguini shakes his head in disbelief.

"I find out datta he take it to da movie, anda den to da Outbacka Steak House."

Though the exact age of the Shroud may remain a mystery because Bonier didn't actually calculate the age of the Shroud, as the Vatican expected him too, Linguini conceded that the Shroud had a good time.

"He didda have it back whena he say, by eleven, so atta least he a gooda guy."

The only thing that has upset the Holy Office in Rome is that Bonier returned the Shroud with a grease stain from a "Bloomin' Onion" appetizer.

Bonier has asked the Vatican for permission to call on the Shroud again, a request officials there are considering.

"We can't keep it sheltered forever", conceded a Vatican insider. "Sometimes, you've just got to let go."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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