Seattle, Washington - A high-ranking PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) official admitted today that if plants were cuddly and cute, or if they screamed when plucked or stepped on, she wouldn't eat them either.
"Let's admit it," said Rita Herman, CEO of PETA, "If plants screamed in pain when harvested, or if an apple cried out 'Please, don't eat me' then we vegetarians would have nothing to eat."
Herman's announcement came after it was discovered by scientists that plants may have an emotional reaction to being harmed.
"If this study proves true," continued Herman, "can you imagine how this will change the view of mowing one's lawn from being a leisure Summer activity to making it a mass beheading of living things?"
"The thought that a squash plant is crying out in agony when we dismember the main fruit from the vine is not only terrifying, it's sick!" said Herman. "After all, plants are also living things. But it's okay to eat them because they show no signs that they are being tortured. As long as something doesn't move, interact or protest in any way, it's okay to eat it."
She said, however, that this would not include someone in a coma.
The new discovery shatters PETA's entire view of what is ethical. "The only way to deal with this is to stop the scientific study that plants may be reacting emotionally to the trauma of death."
Among the ideas for stopping further study was to pretend like it didn't exist, plug their ears and say "La-la-la-la" when confronted with proof, or to simply kill anyone involved with the study, a cherished PETA tradition.