Tehran - (Ass Press): Iranian TV has shown smiling navy hostage Leading Seaman Faye Turney, 26, begging her captors to accept her as a bona fide asylum seeker who strayed into their territorial waters in a desperate bid to take advantage of their humanitarian immigration policy and generous social security handouts.
Wearing traditional Persian female garb Ms Turney said she is a spiritual convert to the country's enlightened traditions. And that she hoped all forty members of her family in England would soon join her to start their new life next door to a uranium enrichment facility close to the country's top tectonic plate fault lines.
In exchange she would be pleased to act as a spokewoman for the Global Piss Process and promote her host country's liberal attitudes towards editing out blunders about European 20th century atrocities.
A televised conference follows shortly.