Archaeologists digging through the recently discovered Tomb of Jesus have uncovered the missing "Gospel According to Fred". The missing Gospel will be included in some versions of the New`Testament joining with the Gospels of John, Luke, Mark and Matthew.
"This is a revolutionary find", said Catholic Archbishop Anthony Franconio. "The book of Fred contradicts nearly everything we have ever learned about Christianity! For example, in Fred 16:2 we read 'tis thine divine right to smoketh of the magical herb and to engage the pleasures of the young ladies of Sorority'. This means we should all smoke pot and screw college girls! And in Fred 12;2 we read 'tis not shameful for men to doth unto other men or women to doth other women'. This means it's OK to be gay!"
"Obviously this book was hidden from the masses for centuries", said Episcopal Reverend Peter Straub. "This is the oldest book in the New Testament. Now we can practice Christianity and get laid without fear of the wrath of God!"
"Also", Straub continued, "We read in Fred 3;19, 'thou shalt wanketh thine rod or twiddle thine twat to one's content for it pleases the almighty'. This should settle the question as to whether or not we should masturbate!"
A Vatican spokesperson said the Gospel of Fred can be interpreted many ways and the Pontiff would not comment on the Gospel According to Fred until he has read the full Gospel.