Britain is fast becoming a Big Brother state, according to the Metro newspaper which is distributed freely to passengers on buses and trains throughout the UK.
Apart from the hilarious TV show of the same name, it says, the 'real' Big Brother is the one that watches our every move as we drive along motorways, walk through the streets, into banks, offices and shops, work on our computers, and now, amazingly, they're even in our own homes!
"Security is big business these days. We've sold out of all cameras and snooping devices. It's all because of Big Brother!" said John Bonehead of Argos.
Britain has more than 20% of the world's 20 million CCTV cameras, and people in London are monitored 24 hours a day by Security experts.
"Every time you swipe a credit card or a store card, it appears on a screen at our Security Centre in Whitehall", said Special Agent Orange, adding "We've got people by the balls!"
When information about where you shop and what you buy appears on the main database, the details can be accessed by the Police, who can then fit you up and arrest you for crimes you did not commit.
More worrying is the increased incidence of 'spyware in the home'.
Janice Slutbag, 26, had a shock one morning, when she went into the bathroom of her home in Dudley, West Midlands:
"I just went for a piss one morning, and I heard this whirring sound. I looked through me legs and saw this camera, right under the seat. I can tell ya, I got all me knickers wet!"
Other people have voiced similar concerns. Several couples have been interrupted whilst involved in coitus, and complained when the videos appeared on eBay selling at only £1.99 incl. post & packing.
"The cheek of it!", said Emma Sexpest of Barkingmad in Essex.
Metropolitan Police Commissioner Ian Bliar said:
"We have to keep an eye on what is going on, even if it just slags pissing on the seat, and two monsters going at it like hammer and tongs. You can't be too careful. You never know where the next terrorist threat might come from."