Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 22 March 2007

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Elton and a "friend" yesterday

Sir John Elton, the self-styled 'Grandad of Pop', is shouting from the rooftops again - this time on the subject of homosexuals who, he says, he despises.

Mr John, who turns 90 on Sunday, called on people everywhere to "shout back" against homosexual acceptance, "whether the Rear Admiral is in our local pub or a 1000 miles away."

"Normal people are subjected to a rampant indifference towards turd burgling all over the world whilst being persecuted and ostracized for practising heterosexuality", he said in an article on the gay website www.ravingbender.com earlier this week.

The singer said he, himself, had dabbled briefly in a spot of uphill gardening with a big man called David 'Hot As A' Furnish in 2005, but had since alighted from the pink bus, and walked halfway back to Straightsville.

"That guy was just after my arse. He asked me
Are you a babbastabber or d'ya like ya babba stabbed?" , he sulked. "It was disgusting."

Elton, who is bald, recently came under the scrutiny of Scotland Yard's anti-Child Abuse detectives, who discovered veiled implications towards paedophilia in the lyrics to his 1983 tune, I'm Still Standing which was a hit all over the world.

"The last verse of the song:

I'm still manhandling, better than I ever did,
Looking like a shirtlifter, feeling like a little kid

were a little too close for comfort", said Det. Chief Inspector Bent Copper.

"Fortunately for Mr John, the lyrics weren't his. They were written by the sister of the Russian president, Berniea Putin."

Elton, who also wrote the tearjerkingly-bad ditty Goodbye England's Rose in memory of somebody or other, had a warning for gender-forgetters when he said:

"Come and get me! I'm free!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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