In what has been hailed as 'a great day for torture' Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to... well... pretty much everything.
Khalid has confessed to masterminding September 11, embassy bombings in 1993, the Bali Bombings and assassination attempts on president Clinton and Pope John Paul II.
An official statement from the Pentagon reads, "Today is a great day. Not only can we say we have the man responsible for almost everything bad in the world in custody, but we can now say to all of those people who condemned our use of torture, we were right suckers."
The statement went on to say, "Torture obviously works, after how we treated this guy he's ready to confess to anything. If you have any unsolved burglaries or petty theft, even if the crime was committed while Khalid was in custody, I bet we can get him to admit to it. Hooray for torture."
- Tom Taylor