VATICAN CITY -- Pope Benedict XVI has issued a statement reaffirming the church's traditional stances on remarriage and gay marriage, encouraging the return to the use of Latin in ceremonies, and calling on Catholic politicians to follow the church's teachings in their political lives.
The Pope has called for the abolition of the National Football League in the United States, both on the grounds of their repeated and unrepentant touching of the skin of a dead pig and their refusal to keep the Sabbath holy. In a rare act of humanitarianism, he has not insisted that the players be stoned for their sins.
The Vatican is currently working on a "Manufacturer's Suggested Price List" for those considering selling their daughters into slavery.
The Pope has contacted the U.S. Department of Agriculture to begin implementation of a plan whereby towns will gather together for the stoning of farmers who plant different crops side by side.
A cadre of American Bishops has gathered and is preparing Molotov cocktails to use at the headquarters of the United Textile Workers' Union in response to their refusal to stop making garments made from two different threads.