A West Midlands town has been declared the "Ugliest Town In Britain" according to an article in a style magazine.
Dudley, near Birmingham, itself no picture, won the accolade, beating 750 other towns and cities throughout the UK, says the article in the March edition of Bullshit, out this week.
Dudley women, it says, came out on top in the Butt Ugly stakes, beating other places out of sight. Out of 43,500 females checked, 41,007 (more than 94%) were found to be aesthetically sub-normal, which means you would damage your vision if you saw them during daylight.
Of that 94%, 170 'women' were deemed so repulsive, that a person encountering one of them whilst not wearing regulation welding goggles would be rendered insane. Two investigators were struck dumb by the appalling sights they witnessed, and one had a massive stroke and died.
It's not just grotesque appearances that the town excels in. Dudley also has more than its fair share of disabled, mis-shapen, spasticated and malformed hobos, many of whom are freakishly repugnant in their own right.
Three quarters of the town's residents are mutants, offshoots from the human race which left the area after the end of the Second World War.
Old people are the mainstay of the population, although the definition of what is 'old' is unclear, as so many people look old, whilst probably still in their twenties.
There are more motorised scooters - Spaz Chariots - per square mile, in this area than anywhere else in the populated world, earning Dudley the unfortunate nickname of Cripple Creek.
Ernest Deathsquad, of the Government's newly-formed clean-up programme SMUDGE, said:
"We've had our eye on Dudley for a while. My men have been issued with flamethrowers and they'll be busy this weekend."