(AP) Heaven - Jesus Christ has come forth to assure us all that he is in fact, in Heaven "chillin' wit my pops."
Last week James Cameron claimed to have found the remains of Christ, his mother, his lover and his son. "Man that dude's on crack," Christ said, "my pops put me down there to save y'all and this is the thanks I get - 2000 years later? Ya know I heard about that bird flu business down there and if he isn't careful - WHAMO - heh, heh!"
Jesus was brought to the earth, according to Christians, to save those who accepted him as the saviour. He walked around performing various miracles to prove his case but the Jews didn't buy his shtick and he eventually fell victim to accusations of blasphemy. He was subsequently crucified by the Romans.
"He vood valk around," Rabbi Brian Schmeckleberg recalls, "pretending to do this and that. He vas like this David Copperfield character. All those people he made with the site and the valking - David made the Statue of Liberty disappear but do the Christians think HE'S the messiah? Oy vey es meer. James Cameron has restored the faith my people have had for over 5000 years. The Christians are just pissed because today they learned they are Jews."
"But I'm a Jew," Christ defends, "I really did do all those things. I also made some hella cool tables, spice racks and bird houses when I was a carpenter. One day I got fired for making wooden pipes... and testing them... so I thought I would go with that whole saviour gig for a living and it worked out pretty well - until I was murdered... that is."
When asked what he thought of Christ's rebuttal Rabbi Schmeckleberg had this to say: "Mashuga! That is no son of G-d. Mary made up that story because she vas knocked up by some homeless shepherd. Vhy Joseph vould buy such nonsense I don't know from that. Everybody knows Mary ran around because Joseph needed Viagra - but it vasn't invented yet." The Rabbi concluded with a sly smirk and an erect index finger.
In what's now being called the "Christ Almighty Challenge," Jesus says he only wants to get the truth out as quickly as possible so his disciples don't go converting or anything. "I just had to come back," he told reporters via satellite from Heaven, "this Cameron guy's carrying on about finding me and my mom and my chick and my 'son?' Oh my Dad that's such a bunch of B.S. - What an F-in liar! I never banged anyone much less Mary Magdalene. She was a skank and a half, man. A buddy-o-mine nailed her in grade 11 and she went lesbo back in uhh, AD 21 I think?"
"You should've seen me in high school, bro - outta control! I would like, turn water into beer for parties and part chicks legs with nothing but a thought - Moses had nothin' on me! It was cool! Course I never partook in any of that..." Jesus nervously glanced at his Dad and put his hands together in prayer.
James Cameron could not be reached for comment but he has released a statement in defence of his claims: "I know what I know when I know it," Cameron said, "and I know these caskets contain the physical remains of a cultural icon, his mom, his kid and his mistress. I made Titanic and Terminator - my whole life has been dedicated to revealing the truth about historical and future events and I deliver the most realistic account I can. Now you can tell your kids the truth about Santa and the Easter Bunny - give 'em the Tooth Fairy, though - that would be devastating.
Cameron also announced his plans to exhume Buddha, Allah, Mohamed and L. Ron Hubbard. "When I'm done there will be no religion left! We'll have to start all over again and it will be so sweet. Think about it - Cameronites... Cameronism... YEAH!"
When asked for one final comment Jesus Christ had this to say: "YO, MY PEEPS!!! I'M BACK! YOU ARE NOT JEWS - IT'S COOL!"
We will bring you all the latest updates in the Christ Almighty Challenge as they develop.