Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 8 March 2007

image for Comic Book Superhero Captain America Dies

Captain America was killed in his latest Marvel Comics issue. The superhero, who was first published in World War II to fight against Hitler, joins a long list of dead comic book heros (several of whom have been resurrected or reborn). The New York Times revealed that Captain America was shot by a sniper while leaving a New York City Courthouse.

Clark Kent of the Daily Planet was the first reporter on the scene. Kent, a vital and still youthful 90, was shocked and saddened. He was too moved to be able to report on the story and instead gave interviews to other journalists.

"I've known the Captain since shortly after I moved to Metropolis/Gotham City/New York/Whatever you want to call this place. He was always a good friend and a great guy to have your back in a fight to save the universe from super villians. He proudly wore the red, white, and blue."

Shortly after Kent, an emotional wreck, left the courthouse steps, Superman arrived. He said that he had gotten a call from Kent and was there to verify for himself. "Why did this have to happen now? He has so much to live for," said Superman. "Next year, he had a new movie coming out and he had this huge action figure and merchandising tie in."

While Superman searched for clues with his x-ray vision, police cleared the area to allow the Batmobile to park. The Dark Knight, somewhat grayer looking than normal, pulled out his walker and hobbled to the side of the Man of Steel. Robin, now flecked with gray hair and bulging out of his tights due to a spare tire, saw the body and screamed.

"Holy Dead Patriots, Batman! They shot him between the eyes!"

Spiderman roped off the scene with webbing to keep the interested crowds back and joined his superfriends to lament the loss. "Sure, we had our differences over the years, but he was a solid citizen and a true roll model," he said.

Wonder Woman, obviously in need of a wonderbra or something with more lift and support and wearing enough make-up to make Tammy Faye blush, was the next to arrive. She offered to use her invisible plane to take the body to the morgue, but ambulance attendants could not find the cargo bay doors.

The Thing then showed up with the others from the Fantastic Four and had to be restrained by Superman. He kept pounding the stonework outside the courthouse and screaming "It's clobbering time. When I find the guy, it's clobbering time!"

The leader of the X-men, Professor Charles Xavier (who in real life looks nothing like Captain Jean-Luc Picard), was driven up in a van with handicapped plates. The doctor used his mental powers to calm and disperse the crowds and the growing number of upset superheroes.

The superheroes have vowed to use all of their powers of detection to find the culprit and punish him to the fullest extent of the law.

Services are pending and a public viewing is scheduled in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington D.C.. Internment will be at Arlington National Cemetary with full military honors.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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