Experts, after results that show that prisoners who receive poor or degrading treatment suffer just as much as captives who are tortured, announced this morning that they are looking for a new definition of torture this morning.
"I am a new definition of torture." says Joe Episcopo of Staten Island. "My wife is a supermodel and she doesn't have a hoo-ha."
The so called "vaginaless marriage" is becoming quite the press phenomenon.
"She's friggin hot, so when we first started going out it seemed like things were going good. Then on our wedding night, she's like 'by the way I don't have a beatbox'. I'm like 'WHAT?', and she's like 'I'm a whale with no blowhole', I'm like 'WHAT?', and she's like 'VJ went on vacay and she's not coming back. Goodnight.', I'm like 'WHAT? Oh. Ok..... NOOO!'. BOOM! That was our wedding night right there. How am I supposed to know she couldn't run the mile? Wouldn't this be an important thing to tell somebody before you get frickin married?!" says Episcopo.
The experts have heard Episcopo's story and have named it "The New Definition of Torture".
"This is really so much worse that what we were imagining for the definition but, ok. Wow, how do you live with that? Wow." said John Oberman of the National Pain Association.
"Everyday I gotta watch her being hot and it's driving me friggin nuts! All my friends keep telling me how lucky I am to be married to her. Ha! I've had to resort to FRUITS! Oh, and she pees out the anus at a constant drip so that's not a solution for those of you wondering. Although I have thought about it a couple times. A lot of times. Like right now...it's just pee..."