Written by Brancastrian
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Topics: Space, Star Wars

Monday, 26 February 2007

image for Death Star Sighted Close To Earth!
We're All Going To Die

Officials at NASA today urged people not to panic as it was confirmed that the very last act of the famous "Hubble" space telescope had been to take pictures of the so-called "Death Star", a weapon of unimaginable power that was made famous in the 'Star Wars' trilogy and which is now, reported to be heading to Earth.

NASA spokesman Dave Jupiter said earlier today "...yep, its definitely the Death Star-we're not going to get away with calling this a weather balloon I'm afraid. At the moment it is in the orbit of Mars, having destroyed a few asteroids on the way, but there is little doubt that it is on its way to earth"

This particular Death Star is thought to be the Mk.III model, created and designed in the wake of the destruction of the Mk.II model, which was nearing the forest moon of Endor when it was destroyed. Endor is in a galaxy a long, long way away and far from home.

Jupiter continued "...we're not sure what we might have done to offend the Empire, and are currently making vigorous attempts to contact whoever is controlling the craft."

The destruction of planet earth would be one of the most damaging events in the planets history. Scientists have estimated that as much as 100% of the worlds population would perish in the blast, although they have backed this up by saying that reducing the earth to nothing but a vast belt of burnt out rubble would "counter" the effects of global warming. Scientifically advanced cultures, such as in the US do have contingency plans for mass planatery evacuation, however, arguments continue to rage about who should be saved-and who should be left behind. In the United Kingdom, such difficult choice is likely to be made via a TV show where-by viewers can call to nominate who should live-and who should die-amongst those worth celebrities deemed as worth saving. Tara-Palmer Tonkinson, for example, has said she would find it "difficult" to relocate to Mars until a Martian 'Harvey Nichols' is opened. Other people have expressed similar opinions.

Will Smith has been asked if he would like to rescue the Earth from the approaching Death Star, as he did "such a good job in Independence Day". Mr Smiths response is thought to be unprintable for a family Spoof.

With an estimated three days left until the end of it all, HM Government is recommending that people "remain calm" and "stay indoors". To help calm a tense British population, "Eastenders" is to be screened 24/7.

Meanwhile, attempts to contact the Emperor are on-going.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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