There has been widespread shock at the results of a study by the United Nations Children's Fund which has named Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch as the best place in the world to be a child, narrowly beating Toytown and well above the US or Britain.
UNICEF examined 21 of the world's industrialised nations and evaluated them using a variety of criteria designed to measure child well-being. Neverland scored highly in brackets such as: a healthy and balanced diet (youngsters are required to eat one apple for every candy-floss consumed); warm and close relationships with peers and adults (its strongest category);
social behaviour (spitting carries the death penalty in Neverland) and risks (there have been no recorded decapitaions on the ranch for three and a half years); material wellbeing (Mr Jackson has given financial aid to many children, especially those who have taken him to court); and children's perceptions of their own wellbeing (tannoy systems throughout Neverland relay a constant stream of compliments and uplifting slogans, while high-tech mirrors have been installed to make the fatties look normal).
However, the ranch did receive a very low ranking on: likelihood of being felt up (the UK still came last, even on that one).
Authors of the report praised the caring and positive environment that Jackson has created at Neverland, where children have to follow only a few rules and are free to roam wherever they wish and sleep and eat when they feel like it. This relaxed attitude was said to "respect children's independence and freedom of choice", although there were some criticisms of the no-trousers policy.
This "mature yet loving" attitude was contrasted with lowest ranking Britain's approach to childcare, where cuddling is illegal and 85% of under-16 year-olds survive on a diet of grease and cheesecake.
Another appalling statistic showed the duel problems of high teenage pregnancies and lack of sex education in schools. Of the shocking 71% of 15 year-olds who claimed to be pregnant almost a third were boys. The UK was also shown to have a serious drug problem with 104% of British children saying they had used cannabis. The number is actually higher in the US but only 48% admitted to having inhaled.
EU children's commisioner, Jonathon King was quoted as saying "I hope this report will be a wake up call to developed nations. These children are the future. Teach them well and they will lead the way". Here, he broke off to launch into a stirring guitar solo before being wrestled to the ground by security staff.
Michael Jackson was unavailable for comment is available for children's parties by e-mailling email@example.com.