Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 13 February 2007

image for Jade Goody St Valentine's Day Vagina Monologue Massacre
This one's being garotted into silence

The newest addition to the Vagina Monologues is published on Wednesday 14th February to coincide with St Valentine's Day, and will be read to the world by Celebrity Big Brother loser Jade Goody.

In contrast to previous year's monologues, where thoughtful pieces related to the vagina through, amongst other things, love, sex, birth, rape and menstruation, the new offering turned into a typical rant by Goody, to the astonishment of onlookers.

Vagina Monologue originator, Evil Enslave, had asked Goody to present the new monologue to an expectant crowd at the Crotchless Knickers cocktail bar in London's Soho yesterday. The working title had been "My Vagina And Its Battle With Buck Filbert" but when a heckler shouted out that Goody was a "racist bully", the ex-BB housemate launched into a tirade against feminists, foreigners and faggots, and used the C-word no less than 140 times in under three minutes.

The crowd quickly became an angry mob, and scuffling broke out. Several munters removed their underwear and, in the words of Detective Andy Catfish of the Metropolitan Police, "the place smelt like a rancid Tuna Bake, only worse."

When order was restored, Goody was evicted into an empty street.

London council officer Desmond Chauvinist told reporters "That's what you get when you put a load of bra-burning old bags together in a room with a pig."

Next year's Vagina Monologue it is rumoured, will be written by Filbert, but details are not yet known as to the content.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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