An elementary school teacher has determined that her entire class of fourth graders is bi-sexual. The school board has been notified and local churches are in an uproar over the news.
Hannah Spinster of Harsh, Utah discovered that all of the children in her class room were going to exchange valentines cards with each other next week. "All the boys plan on giving cards to all of the little girls. That is just so sweet. All of my girl students got the names of the boys so that they could give all of them valentines, and I think that is just so cute! That's also the way that nature and God wanted it."
"I got worried, however, when I learned that the boys wanted the names of the other boys and that the girls wanted the names of the other girls. Little boys wanting other boys to love them forever! Little girls wanting other girls to be their true love! This is just wrong and sick and demented!"
"When I found out, I marched my whole class down to the principal's office and had him give them a talking to!"
Marshall Johnson, parent of twins (a boy and a girl) in the class, denied the findings. "My son ain't no sissy boy. By daughter ain't no muff eater. I raised my kids to be the way God wanted. I showed them the cows in the barn and have had them practice on each other for a long time. What this teacher is saying just isn't right about the Johnsons. My great granddaddy did it like this, my granddaddy did it like this, my daddy did it like this, and my wifes and I have been doing it like this ever since we were brother and sisters."
Brigham Fielding Smith, Bishop of the local Mormon congregation, was upset by the announcement. "It's those television shows that are doing this. Why, when we make programs like Will and Grace available to impressionable minds, we are inviting in the filth and polution of the world! Little boys should be pulling girls' pigtails and trying to peek up their dresses, not wondering which boy is going to be theirs forever. It is just wrong and sick. I plan on cancelling my basic cable and beating my kids more often."
Father John of the small, local Catholic Diocese was also interested in the announcement. "So these small boys want to love other boys? Is that what I'm hearing? I'd really like to look in on this myself and counsel the little fellows one on one."
Reverend John Archer of the United Methodist Church was amused by the whole situation. "Why do you think they put 30 valentines in those boxes? It's because little kids give them to everyone in their class! It doesn't mean they are gay or bisexual or straight; it doesn't mean anything except that their mothers will pick up a bunch of stepped on valentines from the floor of their rooms a week or so later and throw them away. I think the Mormon's have been drinking too much root beer and the priest needs to find him an older boyfriend."