Satan, dark lord and master of the underworld, granted a rare interview today. Typically reclusive, the devil agreed to meet with selected reporters this morning at the entrance to hell. Commenting on his recent popularity, Beelzebub identified this time in human history as particularly receptive to his ideas. Citing war, oppression, and poverty as ideal environments to foment his influence, Satan spoke eloquently about the intense human misery he has been privileged to witness in recent months.
Today's news conference also provided Satan with a forum to showcase the newly renovated suites that he has created at the bottom rings of hell. These designer suites were built to Satan's precise specifications, each one tailored to the resident who will soon occupy it for eternity. "I usually don't do this much renovation at the start of a new millennium, but I am anticipating a huge influx of souls over the next 10 - 50 years and I want to be ready." Satan added, "These are big names coming in, and preparation is important. These souls are working hard to get here. I don't want them to be underwhelmed."
Satan denied a photographer's request to snap some pictures of the suites but suggested coyly that the photographer might find his own way to experience eternal suffering.
Copyright 2007, K. Napolitano