In very disturbing news today, the official keeper of words, Wally Rostincowski reported that the word, vagina was missing from the dictionary. Rostincowski, a linguist from Oxford University and world word record holder of the most medical and scientific terms pronounced and spelled correctly, said that he woke up this morning to look for a word, and noticed that vagina was gone.
The word Rostincowski was reported to have been looking up was vagotonia, a neighbor to vagina, living only eight words down in Webster's New World.
The word, vagotonia means a life-threatening disorder resulting from overstimulation of the vagus nerve, causing a slowing of the heart rate, fainting and eventually death.
No doctors were around to comment.
However, Rostincowski said that "We, on the other side of the pond, are terribly distraught about the incident and indend to press full charges on those responsible to the possible theft of the word and wish we had more clues in our investigation."
He went on to say that scholars such as Rostincowski haven't had a word missing from the dictionary since the Bush administration stole the word, egregious and began using it in every other sentence.
Investigators hired to solve the case were investigating several theories of the disappearance of the word, vagina but had no favorite ones at the time.
"We're still putting the pieces together," said Chief Investigator, Dick Tracy, "and want to make a thorough investigation."
For information on current theories as to the disappearance of the word, vagina, read the following:
Theory 1 (the squirrel theory): states that the word was stolen from the dictionary by writers at The Spoof magazine to enhance their stories and hoard the word from other English language users, verbal paupers and other writers at the Spoof magazine.
This would increase the word's "star power" from an artificially induced demand for the word, feeding everyone's imagination and newly acquired addiction, causing a phenomenon known as Risatosis, or meteoric rise of the number of hits on stories of Spoof writers with the word, vagina in their stories.
This, investigators are calling "the squirrel theory" because a squirrel gathers and hoards its nuts.
Theory 2: states that the word, vagina simply became tired of being used and packed her bags, taking a long awaited break from the English language. Investigators said that they didn't have a clue as to where the weary word was hiding out, but say that she could be somewhere with girl friend, Gretta Grotto hiking the mountains in Nepal. The two have been known to take off like that.
Theory 3: states that she either died of overuse, or was murdered by another less frequently used word. Word specialist, Dr. Ruth Westwordheimer says that words often get jealous when other words are used more frequently. This is similar to humans. Following up on this theory, investigators are currently detaining the words, vademecum, vacuum cleaner, and vagabondage to gain more information in this matter.
Investigators also say that they spoke to next door vagina neighbors, vagary and vaginitis and say nothing has been revealed about vagina's whereabouts. Investigators also say that they will visit local fanny peppering factory, Fanny Mae to question workers.
"We still feel very strongly that one of the Spoof writers has taken the word and has it tied up in the corner somewhere," said investigator Tracy. "Lately, we've noticed several strange occurrences on the Spoof website that have aroused our suspicions."
The detective, or course, was referring to new spoofwriters, Matt "Crusty" Morgan and Monkey Woods' meteoric rise to fame.
Other writers being questioned were: Buckley E. Filbertamous, Duffy Gilligan, Mr. Breeze ("They call me the Breeze, I just keep rollin' down the road...") and King David, moral arbiter of the site.
Lately, according to Spoof writers, Duffy Gilligan and Mr. Breeze there have been scurrilous reports that the "War on Words" may be spinning dangerously out of control because of a "cash for vaginas scandal" recently uncovered by Spoof writer Mr. Breeze (see those articles in this month's edition).
Investigators are currently looking into the case to see if there is any connection between the two.
"Everyone seems a bit nervous," said Spoof administrator Mark Lowton. "In fact, the writers are sitting around like heroin addicts biting their nails and pacing the floor. As a precautionary measure, we're calling in ambulance teams from London's first ward just in case things get gnarly."
J-man, in an effort to distract the writers and take sullied minds off their problems, proposed that the writers all write stories about their grandmothers and found a picture to represent her in the highly criticized and inconstant Spoof gallery. This would eliminate even the thought of the use of the word, vagina and might act as a soothing agent in each tormented writer's soul.
In other news today, Hollywood Spoof writer, Buckley E Filbertamous, reveals that he may use the human trampoline sung about in one of Paul Simon's songs from the 1980's album, Graceland to take over the number one spot on the website again.
It was discovered by investigators that last month writer Filbertamous used bubble gum to attach his name to the top spot of the Spoof top 20 chart for so long. Apparently, the gum wore out and the chemicals in the gum lost their bond with the writer, leaving him in a tail-spin to the bottom of the charts.
Unseen writers dwelling in the dungeons of craggy Spoof castle were reported busy preparing a grave for the fallen writer.
"If our calculations are correct, we won't even have to move the body," said one writer. "He'll just fall right in."
Other Spoof writers say that this is just the kind of teamwork one can expect from fellow Spoof writers and adhere to the conventional wisdom that "What goes up is bound to fall down. Anyone who doesn't believe it has never had sex before."