Documents obtained from the now famous briefcase that was in Saddam's possession down in that "spider hole" have yielded a plot so sinister and frightening that one Pentagon senior official called it, "...disturbing."
Along with three-quarters of a million dollars, some beepers, new tagless t-shirts (because tags irritated the back of his neck), and a copy of Time magazine with his (old) picture on it, agents also recovered a very detailed scheme that, with his recent capture, was foiled in the St. Nick of time.
It is now known that earlier reports of body-doubles having extreme makeovers to look like him were only partially accurate. They were, in fact, the Iraqi leader's guinea pigs to find the ultimate procedure to transform your ordinary sadistic dictator into that beloved Christmas figure of all time.
No, not Jesus . . . Santa Clause.
But why would Saddam want to look like Santa Clause? The answer is that he really wanted to BE Santa Clause. Documents obtained show an intricate plan to develop a delivery craft capable of zig-zagging the globe within a 24-hour time span.
Traditionally engineers have scoffed at the idea of such a vehicle, but now scientists who have reviewed the schematic and conducted lab tests are now confirming that it indeed is possible. And how, you may ask?
Engines of Mass Injection
E.M.I.s require large quantities of fuel, which explains why Hussein had previously invaded Kuwait to take over their oil fields. And these engines had been successfully built and perfected by the Iraqi National Scientist Corps (a group in which, interestingly enough, none of its members breached the 4 ft. height mark).
It may now look like our invasion was unjustified because all we did was bully a kind-hearted old man who just wanted to brighten the life of each and every child on the planet, at least for one day. But again, the papers that were found point to an unholy alliance with the pillar of corporate America.
Bill Gates has been connected. Hussein was actually to be the Microsoft founder's delivery boy on Christmas Eve. And what he was to be delivering is what caused the previous Pentagon senior official to call it, "...disturbing."
Thanks to the copious documents, the 4th Infantry Division discovered several underground cave warehouses filled with X-Boxes. But these weren't the ordinary X-Boxes that have become many kids' favorite video game system. These had been specially programmed by Bill himself.
And they had but one game on them, S.I.M.S. - Bill Gates Edition.
The game is based Bill's life - his boring and pathetic life. Every person on the planet would have been forced to play Bill Gates as a SIMS character because the X-Boxes also had a virus which would have infected every computer in the world.
This would have caused all computers, all gaming systems, and every television network to only show this game based on his life.
"Disturbing," commented President Bush upon hearing the news.
And the deadly effects of the game are only now being unearthed. It is now believed that all the mass graves being dug up in Iraq are filled with thousands and thousands of people who were forced to play the game as test subjects.
So it seems that Bill Gates just wanted people to know and like him by forcing them to live his life in a virtual reality. "I just wanted to be understood and loved," said Gates as he was escorted away in handcuffs.
And Saddam who knew of the game's deadly effects (apparently Gates did not know) was more than willing to be the X-Box delivery boy. It turns out that Hussein was all along the evil one with an insidious plot.
And many may find that disturbing.