Baghdad - A would-be suicide bomber cancelled his deadly mission yesterday after stubbing his toe on a curb just outside the hotel he was assigned to destroy.
Al Spankma Salami, 32, a new recruit for a small terrorist sect, called it quits after he rammed the big toe on his left foot into the side of the curb, causing him to drop to the sidewalk and cry out in pain.
"How can I fulfill my mission like this?" he stated. "Oh, my toe! Oh, why did I have to wear my little sandals? Why, oh, why?"
Salami says that he had every intention of sending the Capitalist sympathizers holed up inside the hotel to their deaths, even at the cost of his own. But, man his toe hurt!
"How can I fulfill my mission now?" Salami cried. "I must first seek medical attention, then I can finish my mission. Or, maybe one of my superiors can take my place. How 'bout that? They always tell us it is a holy mission and that we shall soon be in heaven with seven virgins, so why do they not try it? Look! Look at this toe! I cannot push a button and blow myself to bits with my toe like this!"
This was not the first mission Salami has cancelled. In late October he failed to blow up a bus with him on it because his "tum-tum" hurt. And only two months earlier, Salami failed to detonate his bomb in a school because the bomb he was wearing pinched his skin.
Salami insists, however, that his allegiance is to Allah, and the carrying out of Allah's work is his only love.
"Nothing will stop me . . . eventually!" Salami said. "I will one day fulfill my mission at the cost of my own life! But not today. Not with my toe like this. I cannot explode my own body when my toe is hurting."
Salami remained on the curb, asking pedestrians if they had a band-aid he could "borrow."