Russian President Vladimir Putin has once again called the United States invasion of Iraq "unjustified" citing a lack of United Nations support. He was especially critical of U.S. President George W. Bush, saying, "That guy's been creeping me out ever since he looked into my soul. The soul's a private thing and I don't want just anybody looking into it. I think he also went through my medicine chest when he used the restroom."
Mr. Putin also said, "I am being as restrained as I can be when I choose these words."
Mr. Putin, who was apparently tied to a chair in his office when he spoke continued, warning that "Great countries, Empires have fallen before...due to a feeling of grandeur."
The White House responded, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. How many countries does Putin own?"
The United States representative James Baker is travelling throughout Old Europe trying to convince nations such as France, Germany and Russia that they should forgive billions in Iraqi debt in exchange for not being allowed to bid on any reconstruction work in the U.S. owned Protectorate.
"This seems like fair exchange to us," said Mr. Baker, "True, these countries in the Paris Club did work in Iraq and sold them goods, but we've killed or imprisoned most of the Iraqi's who signed the contracts and why should we pay for anything some dead guy bought? As for any new work, it's obvious that Iraq is a bad credit risk. After all, they're not paying the old bills, why would these countries want to do business with them now? We're actually helping France, Germany and Russia by not letting them bid, don't you see?"
At this point reporters' heads began to explode as they tried to process Mr. Baker's logic and the press conference was ended.