Koniakow, Poland - (Rioters): A lace-making fraternity in the village of Koniakow, southern Poland is about to float their tayloring business after sales of g-strings, brassieres and crotchless ecclesiastical vestments hit the roof following years of previous poor trading results when the company confided itself to the manufacture of Vatican altar cloths.
Local priests are livid at the soaring profits of lingerie sales. One disgruntled cleric, Fr Altarboyski-Groppa said: "This lace is desecrated in the eyes of the Church. Once it adorned the altars of Pope John Paul II, the Queen of England's Cathedrals and the Russian Orthodnotic Church's chapels. Now, is shameful and humiliating for Koniakow that this very same lace is being worn on people's backsides," he said.
But the lingerie company's spokeswoman said "Humbug. Our biggest customers are still in the Vatican and have cleaned us out of our Winter/Spring 2007 collection of bras, camisoles, crotchless boxer shorts, colour-co-ordinated surgical supports and other lingerie in dozens of delicate designs and colours.
"The company's lacy thongs for men are tailored according to different ecclesiastical ranks: the humble prelate, the Bishop, the Pro-Nuncio papal envoy, the fledgeling Archbishop-en-titre and the full-flung Cardinal.
"Above that rank we are saying nothing except that the weaving of swastikas for octogenarian former Hitler Youth enthusiasts has given many our workers a lot of ethical problems. In the end we reached a compromise with an alternative discreet image of a guardian angel strategically positioned on the loin cloth. It features on the Miss December page of Pope Ratzinger's very own topless papal calendar.
Copies still available from the Vatican sweet shop.